changethetape

1. Be generous with my love and accept my need to feel loved

2. Embrace my preparedness

3. Commit to my expressiveness by continuing to write

4. Seek opportunities to increase intelligence

5. Actively search for new ways to show generosity (time/money/love/compassion, etc)

LOVE

Love is a core value in my life. Specifically, I want to be good at showing love and I want to be ok seeking and receiving love.

Showing love isn’t just about how I want to do that. Showing love should be about the other person – at least 50%! So maybe I show love to Mark by hugging and kissing, but I know that isn’t necessarily how he feels loved. I’m not exactly sure how it is he does feel loved. I’m not sure he knows. I think it’s partially with acts…cleaning/cooking/taking care of things. That’s how he has said he shows me he loves me. I have read we often speak our own “love language” instead of the language of the person with whom we are trying to communicate our love. So I hug and kiss because that’s how I want to be loved. I wonder if Mark ever thinks about that. I do crave his affection.

I am hoping he’ll follow through on the Core Values exercise. Maybe it will shed more light on how I can make him feel more loved. I will ask him, but I don’t think he will really have an answer. He is more numb than I. That’s saying something.

I need to accept that my needs are valid, without being rigid.

PREPAREDNESS

Preparedness is a core value in my life. I am extremely ill at ease when I am not prepared. That being said, I do tend to go overboard so finding a balance would be an excellent option for me. That’s a theme though, isn’t it. The all or nothing mindset. At least I’m becoming way more aware of it.

I find it….irresponsible to not be prepared. At least, it’s irresponsible to be ill-prepared for things you know are coming. I don’t like being caught off guard and it definitely aggravates me when other people drop the ball. It’s disrespectful.

However, I am not a naturally organized person so preparing for things can definitely stress me out. Maybe I’ll ask Jaime how she does it.

EXPRESSIVENESS

I have, in my past, felt silenced and diminished. I choose not to be any longer. And while at times I am still uncomfortable saying out loud how I am feeling or what I am thinking, I rarely feel unable to write it down. I have committed to writing more regularly as it is a true source of catharsis for me. I struggle with many demons, but one of the biggest is overlooking my own feelings – or worse – burying them under humor, food, screen time…any distraction.

My thoughts and feelings are valid and worth expressing. Every day.